I'm always the one that plans the family gatherings. Some have turned into rituals with a purpose of strengthening that bring a sense of belonging and keeps us away from cultures of the world that pull families apart.
I have always considered myself the glue of my family.
Gatherings and traditions evolve overtime, which leads to a counteraction. Nothing is fluid anymore. What once worked doesn't. Pressure builds and something just happens.
The dynamic changed in my family yesterday. Something little that started, probably when I got home years ago, that finally switched completely and I decided to walk out on my family .. right after dropping an F-Bomb that was basically for everyone.
I came home, packed a bag and put my child in the car and drove to Hamilton with no money and enough gas in my car to get me there and back, if I coasted, this side, down the Napier Taupo roads. My intention was to book a $25 room at the Temple motel, because I definitely needed Jesus yesterday, but I wound up at Shaily's boyfriends house and unloaded to his mother who I met three times in my life.
The gist of it was that my family pissed me off so I drove to Hamilton.
Don't overestimate the power of glue. It becomes compromised when heat is applied.
A sleepless night at my temporary shelter only made me angry. I cancelled my cellphone number twice. Went through and blocked everyone on my contact list and undid it twice. Almost posted an F%#$ You Facebook post and considered moving to Perth.
On my tiring quiet drive home, I decided what I actually needed was a hiatus from being the glue in my family. I need a moment to appreciate them again and be appreciated in return.
Enough time to remind myself that I bleed too.
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