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Tender mercies.

I like dreaming and because of the medication I take that has a hyptnotic effect, I always dream. Very rarely are you in my dream and I try to remember as much as I can because I utilise

In last nights dream you had gone somewhere suddenly, much like real life, but death wasn't the feeling I got. You had just gone somewhere - back to the USA for work? I tried calling you on your old US cellphone number, but there was never an answer. I decided to write to you in a book and send the book to you. I wrote a paragraph asking where you were, if you were ok and if there was anything I could do to get you back here with me, because I need you.

If you've seen The Lake with Sandra Bullock and Keanu Reeves, it was a little like that. The message I got back from you was that you were sorry, that you never meant to leave suddenly and that you are always with me. Always.

It's the same message you gave my sister the morning of the 25th.

Sister drove straight down from Auckland the day of the 24th. Since we had you in the lounge of my parents place, I decided to sleep in the lounge right by the coffin and sister joined me on the couch on the other side of the coffin. It was a night where we both kept waking up because the lights kept dimming.

Sister woke up during the night and happened to look over to where I was. To her surprise, there you were sitting at the foot of your coffin, watching me sleep. She told me it scared her and she hid under the blankets and peeked out again to still see you there.

You called her what only you have ever called her. Mrs. Armstrong. In the morning she told me you told her to tell me you were sorry, that you were happy and that you will always be with me. I needed to hear that and prehaps she needed to experience it and not me.

I have to admit. Most nights I lay in bed awake waiting for you to appear, but I know you have better things to do and I know that even though we discussed 'visiting eachother', it would scare the hell out of me.

Eventually you figure out it's a dream when you see yourself in the mirror and you're Alicia Keys.


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