Thursday, November 29, 2012

Day 5 ...

I keep looking for you everywhere .. anywhere.
I listen to hear whispers from you in the wind.
I slept a little better lastnight. (Thanks Pony & Emma for the laughs)
I'd do it better if it wasn't without you.

Wednesday, November 28, 2012

Day 4 without you ...

Sleep has failed me since Saturday.
Can't quite comprehend it all.
Boggled trying to readjust to life without you.

Monday, November 26, 2012

The last 3 days.

When Catherine of Aragon died, Anne Boleyn and King Henry VIII, it was said, wore yellow to her funeral. Up until 1480, yellow was the color of mourning in Spain. It is currently still the color of mourning in Egypt and in general, it is a color of remembrance.

The last 3 days have been the hardest of my life. I've cried, I've laughed, I've questioned my religion, I've felt betrayed, I've cried a little more and the constant literal ache in my heart is not making anything easier.

We buried Larry today. It would be interesting for everyone to know how insensitive he was when it came to death. He didn't want a big sad funeral. He didn't want an expensive coffin. He didn't want people to look at him laying in state and he really didn't want a traditional Maori farewell. He wanted to be cremated and out of that list of things, that was the one thing I couldn't do.

We closed his coffin when he left the undertakers on Saturday morning. He looked handsome in his white temple attire and he looked happy and I loved that. Our nieces Tyler, Shai and my sister Michelle were fortunate enough to see him before we closed the lid. Last night our bishop had to slip something into his pocket and I sneaked one last look with our bishop and my two uncles present.

On Friday night when I left him in ICU I asked him not to go anywhere. He looked at me confused and asked where I thought he was going. I reiterated for him not to go anywhere, to be there when I came back the next day, which would have been at 12pm. I told him I thought he was the bravest person I knew. I told him I loved him and that I would see him tomorrow. When I got home that night I called every hour to check on him and everything seemed ok. A little after 4am I received a phone call that he wasn't doing too well and I should head into the hospital. All the way there I begged please please don't take him from me.

He passed shortly after the phone call and it happened as if he were sleeping. He just slipped away. His heart could not take the work of haemo dialysis and ultimately stopped.

I will miss him. I haven't slept at home yet and when I do come home (because there is internet here and not at my parents place 5 houses away), its painful because everything of his is here. His shoes that he'd never put in the shoe basket after I asked him ten times. His trash on the floor in front of the TV from eating candy his Mom sent last week. His clothes on the floor after a shower. His scent.

I'm a widow at 33.
He made me promise to be one for the rest of my life and he is well worth the wait and that's enough for me to keep that promise. He is mine for forever. We're Twilight without the urge for blood.

There have been so many comments and emails coming in and I'll eventually get around to reading and responding to them all. I'm just at a "What do I do now" point and I need to regain my bearings.

Enjoy the photos of the last few days. They show a perfect send off for a man so loved.
Sunday morning. 

He lay at my parents house, which is bigger. My mums idea to put the blanket on the casket we got her from Mexico.

Yellow rose.

My love.

Flowers from my grandmothers garden.

Our Hubba tried and tried to open the casket to get to her "Clarry". She still doesn't understand, but she'll never forget him.

Tyler, who gave a eulogy today, saying her final goodbyes to her Uncle.

Heading to the chapel.

At the cemetery.

Lowering the casket.

All the kids watching.
I love our kids .. almost in unison they said, "What are you doing to Uncle Larry". My niece Larell was worried because we told her he was up in heaven and she questioned why he was going down if heaven is up.

We released yellow balloons. Hope he got them.

Family refilling his grave.

Jeston and Naz.

Finger foods .. it's what he wanted despite it was 'chimp food'.

My cousin Leonie surprised us all by flying out from Kalgoorlie. I love that she did it. Sided with my other cousin Emma, we complete eachother when together.

We went back later and took all the flowers to his grave.

I will miss him so much, but I know he wants me to hold my head up work through this grief.

Saturday, November 24, 2012


My Larry passed away today.
My heart aches, but I'm happy for him and comforted because we prepared ourselves for this and because I believe there is a forever for us.
I love you so very much.
Always have and forever will.

Friday, November 23, 2012

Not yet.

Despite that they irritate you and make you want to pull your hair out most days, love your significant other with everything you have because I can assure you .. the pain is very real when you think you're about to lose them.

Larry is in ICU.

Just a little bit of history repeating.

Shirley Bassey was right when she sung it.
For the last 2 years, Thanksgiving has been spent with a sick husband and this year will be the same.
From the beginning.
Woke up yesterday to a husband who was pale with blue lips struggling to breathe. One of those mornings I've been waiting for for the last three years when I had to slap his face for him to wake up, which he did thank billy-bob. He struggled to get to the car and into our GPs office.
She called the ambulance.

His first ride in the NZ ambulance. Found out its not a free service.
Excuse the dots on his belly .. I used wingdings to censor his brusied belly.

He is in hospital again as of yesterday and will be over the weekend. What I've suspected the whole time (overloaded) is basically what they diagnosed. He was placed on a 15 hour dialysis regime last night that didn't go too well and they had to change his program after hours because he couldn't breathe. Ultrasounds show fluid around his heart and lungs, but no edema in his limbs. They're talking pericardiocentisis, which is a  drainage treatment where they insert a  tube into the chest to drain the fluid around the heart in the pericardium or around abouts.

At school, last weeks paper was on the respiratory system and he was admitted to hospital for trouble with his. This weeks paper is on the cardiovascular system. Coinkidink?

I'm concerned because next weeks paper is on the female reproductive system and if he winds up in hospital with troubles there .. then someone has some 'splainin to do.

Thursday, November 22, 2012

Thanksgiving & Christmas.

I thought Thanksgiving was next week. It was over before it began. Due to a sick husband and study, thanksgiving is cancelled this year in rural Hawkes Bay.

This is an old english rose from our rose bush. It's huge. Just had to share that useless bit of information with you. Now your life is complete.

Decided last year that I wasn't putting my christmas tree up this year. It was knocked over so many times that most of my glass decorations broke. It also takes up alot of space in our small abode. My original idea was to paint a christmas tree on the glass sliding door (ranch slider), but I'd have to clean it off myself.

I went with balloons this year and made use of useless space above the fire place. Never ever ever get $2 shop balloons. Out of the 25 count bag, three didn't have holes in. Almost had an aneurism trying to blow up the long twister balloons myself (before I found a pump) and popped most of them in anger when I couldn't form a star out of them no matter how many times I watched the youtube video.

It works and it's out of the way. They'll all probably deflate within the month, but that's ok. This is proof that I had the christmas spirit in 2012.

Re: Larry
He needs to go back on haemo. This is just from my observations. Or else he needs a kidney. Tyler is willing to give him one, but I wonder about her sometimes.

Monday, November 19, 2012

The 47.

Green chile gravy. (Hatch's green chili straight from NM!)
Larry kept telling me about "Murphy's Mule Barn" in Albuquerque that is a buffet style restaurant that has a pot of green chili gravy that you can douse over your meal.

Tried it this morning using a basic hollandaise sauce. Burned the first one and didn't quite master the second one (pictured). I think a normal white sauce would be better with the chili. Since hollandaise is lemon based, among other things, I thought it would match with the chile, but I think a white pepper sauce would have done better.

Still tasty.

Big thanks to Larry's Mom for the care package this week making it possible for him to have this for breakfast this morning!

Saturday, November 17, 2012

Out of hospital.

His arms look like a join the dot activity. They couldn't take arterial blood for testing and they tried 8 times. Each time made the pain worse so he refused the last one and they discharged him. The renal registrar almost cried when, on her 5th try, the pain was too much for Larry. I'm glad he didn't swear at her, I would of. These doctors practice on each other during med school so they know how painful it is when you miss the artery.

He had a bit of an experience in hospital that I need to dictate word for word to share on here. It's nice, it's potentially alarming, but it was all for comfort.

He is doing well.

Thursday, November 15, 2012


School is stressing me out. I'm mere nasal hairs away from giving up because some of this crap is over my head. Like really, what in the hellnoids does probability have to do with giving someone an enema as an RN?

Speaking of RNs, my long days in the hospital with Larry has me thinking nurses irritate me, bar one named Pam, who is the love of my life when it comes to tending to Larry with patience and care.

This is what happens when nurses go on lunch breaks AFTER I told them his lure was coming out. I didn't mean to say the F-word to her because I understand public health, but I've also learned in my study guides that a patient who has been given anticoagulants that has a bloody lure hanging off of his arm is more important than a ham and cheese sandwich.

The babies visited the hospital and here they are laying on the dialysis drain bag that they have named "The Mimi Pillow".
Mimi means pee in maori.

Re: Larry.
It's a collapsed lung.
He's still in hospital to finish his treatment of anti-biotics. Hopefully he is out tomorrow. Being home alone sucks sometimes.

Monday, November 12, 2012

Day 3 in ths hospital.

They ruled out heart attack. A scan today showed an inconclusive result for a clot on the lungs. Tomorrow they'll do a CT Scan, something they tried to avoid because of costs to the hospital, to rule that out too because all symptoms and blood results are pointing away from either.

Someone said Pnuemonia.

No one knows how to work his dialysis cycler in the hospital ward. They rang me at 4am to ask what the beeping meant. Lucky for them the All Blacks were killing Scotland at the time and I was wide awake watching the game. It boggles me that you go through 4 - 5 years training as a nurse and get to the hospital and only know how to insert a lure. Patient to nurse ratio in the Hawkes Bay hospital. 6:1.

I do appreciate them being so kind to Larry who has become guinea pig over the last few days.
He'll be in another night.

No more morphine for him because of the bad kidneys.
He's braving it with panadol.

Sunday, November 11, 2012

Good news and bad news

The good news is it wasn't a heart attack. The bad news is it's a blood clot in the lung which is a precursor to a heart attack.

He's still in hospital. He missed dialysis yesterday and the nurses in his ward don't know how to use the cycler.

My older brother gave him a priesthood blessing and told us he'd be out tomorrow. Gotta love the faith principle. When it's all you have sometimes, it's enough.

Oh what a night ...

Thought I'd be romantic and take Larry up to Te Mata Peak last night. All was going well until he started to complain of chest pains that became excruciating by the time we got home.

Long story short.
He was admitted to the emergency department tonight for a suspected heart attack. Remember we talked about being overloaded by not sticking to his fluid restriction?
This is what happens when you don't listen.

He's better off on haemo. I can't help him if he can't help himself and I think he'll have a fistula if he doesn't shape up.

Good news, by 4am when I left he was doing much better (thanks to cousin Morphine) than the teenager who came in after he drank Roundup (weed killer) because his posse ran out of beer tonight.

To be continued ...

Thursday, November 8, 2012

The 47.

Just realized last night, by way of a comment left, that I need 15 weeks to finish The 47 with only 8 weeks in the year left.

No one likes failure.

Seasoning the paella pan is the biggest part and most would cook the rice and the seafood at the same time rissotto style. I'm telling you now, it's not the way. When you use the ingredients you do to make paella, the last thing you want to do is ruin everything in the cross contamination that is the process of making a risotto and let's face it, paella is fancy risotto.

May I suggest.
Cook the rice first.

Cook the seafood seperately.
Shrimp should never taste like mussel and mussel should never taste like red cod.

Top with lemons, butter and the secret ingredient and bake at 150 F for 30 minutes.

Ready to consume.
Sweet, soft and delicate.

The secret ingredient.

Thanksgiving 2012

Secret ... I don't want to deal with it this year, but alas trying to uninvite people turned out to be a son of a bee and we'll be having turkey on the 29th.

It won't be as extravagent as last year and I think we'll have it at Michelles house .. so when you read this Michelle, your table is bigger. I'll man the rest of the ship .. unless Mum lets us have it at hers, but then we'd have to invite the neighbors and they didn't make the guest list this year.

I just want a double double protein style from In-n-Out burger and I'll be thankful.
How do they make their fries!?

Tuesday, November 6, 2012

Blood test Tuesday.

After a blood test today we went to get some lunch. I left Larry in the car and ordered, came back out to see him reading the yellow pages from a phone book that has been in the car for a week. He told me he was having a hard time reading from the book. I told him it probably didn't help that it was upside down. Even he laughed at himself. Almost as funny as the time my deaf Pops was vacuuming the kitchen floor and the vacuum wasn't on.

Everyone in the family has had the 24 hour bug. I had it yesterday and anyone in my path felt my wrath. I will not be eating sausages or grapes anytime soon. When you heave that stuff up through your mouth and nose, you taste it all over again.

We're staying home all day to watch the elections.
May the best man win.
God bless the USA .. and that one of my brothers may win the lotto tonight in Australia.

Sunday, November 4, 2012

God only knows what I'd be without you ...

In our ward in California we knew a man who used to work with Brian Wilson of The Beach Boys and dated his daughter Carnie.  I'm a Beach Boys fan. When I think music and talent I think Brian Wilson because the man is a musical genius, totally craycray, but for being partially deaf and nuts he managed to compose and produce an album that is considered one of the greatest of all time (Pet Sounds).

Channel surfing the other day I happened upon Wilson Philips, Carnie and Wendy Wilson - daughters of Brian Wilson - and their childhood friend Chynna Phillips - daughter of John & Michelle Phillips of The Mama's & The Papas. Their new album, Dedicated, has a mixture of Beach Boys and The Mama's & the Papa's songs.

They never could sing despite their song "Hold On" winning single of the year back in the 90s and knocking Madonnas (who also can't sing) Vogue off of the charts.
I downloaded the album last night on iTunes.
Absolute tragedy.
$2.97 a song and there were 12 of them.

Sounds like they used that famous music software Fork-in-a-blender or something cheaper than an hamburger from McDonalds to do the background music with a side auto tune. They didn't make the iPod cut.

Surfer Moon by The Beach Boys.
Easily one of the favorite BB's song.
Happy Birthday to my sister who is 32 today.
Love you long time.

Friday, November 2, 2012

Happy Birthdays.

Happy Birthday to Spider-Man who is 3 today! His mum, my sister, is 32 on Sunday.
You old B.
See you chaps next month.

Halloween Grinch.

Unlike last year, I wasn't feeling halloween this year and vowed to not be home when I saw the first signs of kids coming down the street. My niece Nessa was in the first wave of kids, as soon as I saw her I got in my car and gapped it. I didn't get candy because I'm preparing for a great Christmas and even if I had, the amount I would have got wouldn't have been enough for the amount that came.

I spent 4 hours driving around taking candy from my nieces and nephew.
Jeston & Rome waited at the chapel for their party.

Hubbalush wasn't interested. She didn't need a costume to show everyone she was a witch. Halloween is everyday for her.

Today I went to watch Shai play touch rugby.
It's a pointless pointless game. I really don't get it. It's slow, it's boring and I'm pretty glad it's 15 minutes a side. I had to come home and watch rugby game repeats to forget the blasphemy that is touch rugby.

Despite my attitude towards the game and the fact that it was the first and last time I'm ever going to a touch game ever, PA Pink played well.

The 47.
Knocking off a few from the list.
After finding real canned crab, I was finally able to make Crab Cakes.

Red chile Mole. The anise in this recipe made it interesting. I'd omit it next time for vanilla because it goes better with chocolate than the anise did.

Caldo de Siete Mares.
Had to buy a dried crab for this because no one had fresh ones.

Forgive the iPod photos.
Sometimes it's just handier.

Summer part 2

Nessa envisioned this shoot with my nephew Ellis. They pulled it all together very well. Hubs was supposed to be in it, but got stage fright...