Thursday, February 28, 2019

The science of a headache.

When you get a headache, the pain isn't actually centered on the brain. It's all the muscles, nerves and blood vessels throughout your head and neck that take on the literal pain of a headache. Something triggers the brain to respond to the pain signals that produces two main chemicals that contribute to a headache. Norepinephrine and serotin causes the blood vessels around the brain to expand. From this pressure, comes pain. An ache in the head.

The throbbing feeling in your head that makes you think your brain is swelling is a faux impression that causes the feeling of pain, but the brain tissue doesn't feel pain like we do on our skin because it hasn't developed to know touch. This is how brain surgery is possible with a patient that is awake.

A migraine is a headache that comes and goes and has a throbbing pain that occurs in one spot in your head. A tension headache is more frequent and comes with pain feeling like pressure on the sides of your head. This type of headache can last several days.

I have had this headache.
For several days.

It's a pressure that hurts my head and my heart.
I do not merit this headache and I have inherited the heartache.

Life around me is so ugly, I wear my Introvert badge proudly.

Sunday, February 24, 2019


Tonight, it rains. The kind of rain that is refreshing everything after a hot week and watering everything that needs to grow. Like my feijoas.

Tonight I appreciate the rain. History will tell you it's a sign of on going misery, but chi tells me that it's a sign of washing away the old and restarting a new.

This past week was a hot week. At work. At home. At Matatini. I welcome the rain because it brings me back to life after a chaotic week. It brings soul to the drylands, as I hope it does for me this coming week.

I have never needed Larry as much as I needed him this week.
Someone to lean on.
Someone who will give courage.
Someone who will listen.
Someone to love and have love given back.

If I could have anything for my birthday next week .. I would like him back for a day.
Just a day.

Friday, February 15, 2019


The Fiordland earthquake in 2009 measured 7.9 on the richter scale. Although in the South Island, it was felt as far as central North Island. It occurred a few months after we migrated back to NZ. During that quake Aunty Marva woke up, scared, and called out to her Mum from her bed. She told me this story the next day. I was not here to hear it because we moved into my Mothers house just down the street. To this day, I don't know why we moved there. It never felt homely or right.

Not moving into our house during that time was one of my biggest regrets. I wish I had been here during her last 6 months because she was scared the night of that earthquake. She was scared to be sick and alone. I know she wanted us here with her and the day before she died I promised her I'd move back home with her. I started moving that same day not knowing she'd be gone the next.

September will mark 10 years since she's been gone. Usually an unveiling occurs a year after the death. The stone had been in the works for a few weeks. It's nothing extravagant, but it's something now. She'd been nameless for 9 years.

Sorry for not coming home to you, to our home. I really wanted to.
Sorry for not having a stone a year later. Life got in the way.
Sorry for not making your unveiling a priority. In my heart I did, but I didn't have the finances.
Sorry for not being there when you died. I still cry about it.
Sorry I didn't invite anyone today, but doing it alone was my closure for being sorry after 9 years.

Just like her, quite often I find myself awoken in the middle of the night wanting to call her name into the dark. I swear she is moving around our house sometimes.
She was my comfort. My sanctuary. I know that love didn't stop with death.
I will continue to miss you every day until I see you again.

Thursday, February 14, 2019

The Ripple Effect Part 2

At work, a ripple effect is happening too. Someone threw a spanner into the works and nothing has run smooth ever since.


It all comes down to weak management, just like there is a weak link in the family chain that changes the direction of normal. I've laid two complaints and written two emails of concern regarding a situation in my work area that is causing a little bit of frustration and stress. Something's not working, stuff isn't in on time .. yesterday I came to work and there was nothing to do simply because what was supposed to be here wasn't. I offered suggestions on how things would work better and have no reply or advice from my correspondence.

A weak manager ignores you and see's it as their authority being questioned. A good manager will have an answer or at least point you in the direction of someone who does.

One of the situations, that resulted in a complaint, occurred in the kitchen a few days ago. Unaware, my complaint followed a fellow co-workers complaint about the same thing.

A weak manager will question you to pick out a mistake. My manager asked me what exactly bothered me about the situation to which I responded that it wasn't about that. The kitchen is the heart and soul of the home for a family. Nourishment begins there and comfort is found there. A kitchen is for physical and emotional sustenance. A good manager would reinforce that not question it. Weak managers don't want to hear what you think or hear your opinion.

A weak manager prefers fear over trust because if you fear them, you'll be quiet.

A good manager trusts that they have the right people on their team. They wouldn't hire people they didn't trust. A weak manager tells you why that person isn't right for the job without knowing much of the person. I can't elaborate on this with a scenario from work because of privacy issues, but the choice of put downs used prove their weakness.

A good manager changes things, with an open mind, to improve things. A weak manager changes things to keep reality at bay and take control. Once they make an announcement of the change, it's set in stone. A weak manager will back down when confronted with impassioned staff ... or clients.

I've felt sorry for my manager, but at a distance. There is no stepping out of the fear zone and into the trust zone and it's caused these ripple effects to the moon and back. This is when you know you're probably better off working for someone else, someone who deserves what you have to offer.

There is an end to the ripple effect at work and that comes in the form of a collective movement. There are staff that have been employed here for years. A strong manager, especially a newly appointed manager, would come in looking to them for advice and encouragement because up until now, there was no spanner in no works. Everything was working fine.

I'm a few ripples away from stress leave and a stone throw away from a PG ... but then I don't want to be at home because the ripple effect there is, by spiritual right, for Eternity.

Wednesday, February 13, 2019

The Ripple Effect

Throw a rock into a pond and what happens?
Ripples form that expand across the water in an increasing outward direction from it's original state.

My parents had a pretty dumb fight about 2 months ago and they haven't spoken since. There have been other incidents involving other family members, but I’m calling their tiff the initial drop that caused the ripple effect.

I've been up and down with my family over the last 3 years for various reasons, but I'm overwhelmed with how complex the ripples have got, especially over the last year.

It's an ugly feeling to hold inside and the feeling is very real  .. like pressure on my chest .. like there is a very large stone sitting, unwanted, between my lungs. Tonight, in particular, it makes me want to vomit.

Two siblings said the F word to my mother today.

She read a text from a sibling a few days ago and the content of that text broke her spirit.

I watched my mother, over the Christmas holidays, constantly give with no return.

My mother is caregiver to two patients who emotionally abuse her ... and they're both family.

I spend most of my shift at work intermittently texting my Mum just to make sure she is OK. Before I come home after a day at work, I drive down to see where she is just to make sure she is OK. When she is on shift at work, I stay up til her shift is over waiting for the text from her to say goodnight, that means she made it home and that she is OK. I live hoping that today my Mum is going to be OK. I do this in conjunction with raising a child and hoping that she too is OK.

My Mum goes to work to find solace from her family.
I don't blame her. It's a good getaway from the ripples.

The ripple effect is so wide spread that I don’t think we can collectively come back from it in one piece.

I love my family very much, but I don't know that the ripples effect them like it does me.
Like it does our Mum.

Gird up your loins; fresh courage take.
Time to let go.
Time to cry and just let go.

Sunday, February 10, 2019


Avi tried to stay over the other night. She wanted out about an hour and a half later, but it was a good try!

Gave her a Hubba hair do.

Throw back to Hubs .. she could very well be my Hub's in the top photo.

TyJay came to church today. I knew the moment he got into the room he'd make a beeline to his Milli. He spent most of the first hour outside with Aunty Hubs and Nanny Mitchy.

Dinner tonight.

I don't want to play the piano in my ward anymore.
I want to sit with my family .. alas, I'm the only pianist, besides my grandmother .. and she plays like she's at a circus.

Thursday, February 7, 2019

Good eats.

Hoping a better way of eating can change my bad mood about basically everything.
Salad/Slaw with venison and a sesame soy dressing.
Thanks to my brother, the one who thinks I'm judgemental, for the venison.
You still suck.

Monday, February 4, 2019

First day back at school

School started today for everyone who didn't start last week. This includes Hub's school. The returned prodigal brother's 4 kids. Novah off to High School and the other three to PA.

Tyler's step-son Kavarn started school with Aunty Hub's today. They're in the same class aswell as Jaamin in the blue in the above photo.

Kudos for the above photos farnow.
Dinner tonight.


And to balance everything out ... my favorite boy.

Sunday, February 3, 2019

.. and I thought work was bad.

I had arguments with two of my brothers today. The first one was for about 5 minutes while my Mum was outside in her room-of-requirement. It was very heated. Usually I sit on the sidelines and keep my mouth shut, but this one deserved my input when he started mouthing off about our mother. He started up about the ozone layer and eventually left defeated.

The second argument with another brother occurred a few hours later where he claimed I was judgemental for not attending church today, for no other reason than my ward sucks, totally forgetting that he's been absent from church for close to 6 months. It too got heated, but I shut down when I realized how much of a complete moron he is and there was no point wasting my breath and left him, at our mothers house, defeated.

For real.

If families have the potential to be together forever, why aren't we practicing what we preach so that we can justify the reason to be together forever. Why aren't we trying to avoid the opposition and instead strengthening each other?

... because people are entitled to be a-holes and I have two brothers who qualify without even trying.

Grateful today to have one sibling who is normal ... more or less.

It's already February.

Work started.
Trying to word how the atmosphere at work is at the moment and the only thing that is remotely close is in the first few paragraphs of 'My Sweet Audrina' by V C Andrews. It immediately came to mind when I got home from work yesterday as I  tried to mentally explain what is going on out there .. and I'm not even involved. It's just all around me ... bringing bad vibes to my chi.

There was a war going on in our house, a silent war that sounded no guns, and the bodies that fell were only wishes that died and the bullets were only words and the blood that spilled was always called pride.

I can't say much more beyond that because saying something is probably a liability, but you don't have to be a genius to guess that shits hit the fan in my work place. In saying that, I am glad that it is the weekend and I get a few days reprieve from the place that I couldn't keep away from last year. I was happy to spend the day with Hub's and I even turned my phone off for a few hours to just block out the drama.

I've been nauseous all week and I dread Monday.

If anytime is a good time to win the lotto, it's next week.

Very very glad it was only 19°c today and not 37°c like earlier in the week.

Next week is probably going to be 25% more worse than last week.
Thankful for the public holiday in the middle of the week.

Summer part 2

Nessa envisioned this shoot with my nephew Ellis. They pulled it all together very well. Hubs was supposed to be in it, but got stage fright...