Friday, March 27, 2015

Comprehending Ambivalence.

One example of Christ having mixed emotions in the bible is also the shortest scripture in the entire book. Jesus wept. He wept because Lazarus had died and that was his friend. He wept because Martha and Mary were sad and he loved them so much, he wept with them, but he knew Lazarus would live again and thus, he was happy too.

This week has been like that.
Mixed.

Music heals despite the fact that one of the greatest musicians, Mozart, died when he was 35. Today at the funeral the first musical item, a song I'd heard her sing several times before, had a huge impact on changing my state of mind by unlocking the melancholy I'd felt all week. Her voice perfection. Her form, endearing and the content of the song made some neurochemical changes in me that were almost cathartic.

When I asked Jessie to give Larry a hug when she got there, I also told her I'd switch places with her in a heart beat. If she got to stay here with her husband and children and I got to be there with Larry, I'd trade without question. She chastised me and told me she wouldn't wish her illness on anyone. That last conversation with her had me nauseous since Monday and I stayed away from the tangi because of it. I sat at home and let time tick by slowly and when I woke up this morning and told myself I wasn't going to the funeral either, Mitchy rang.

I don't know if I was happy, sad, jealous or guilty. Maybe all. Larry once told me that emotional experience is transmitted with such intensity and severity that it required, if not all, most of the systems of an organism to process and that if a pure emotional experience is that compelling, mixed emotional experiences were probably delivered at an even higher degree it would most likely feel like nausea.

I learned today that you have to earn your entry into the afterlife, and she earned hers. She put everything in her life back in it's proper order before she finally told herself that she was ready to rest.

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