Sunday, August 10, 2014

Dreams & death.

When you remember things, all those feelings you felt at the time come back to give you a complete recollection of that moment.

Driving up Te Mata peak the other day, I told my niece Maia that I had my last date with Uncle Larry at Te Mata peak. It was dark and he couldn't see what I saw, but we sat there for 20 minutes before he started to feel sick and couldn't breathe properly. He didn't want to go to the hospital that night, so we just came home and he felt better and went to bed.

On the day before he died, it was a Friday, we were sitting in his hospital room. He was waiting for his lunch and just before it came, the patient sitting across from him - an old brethren man - told him that he noticed Larry prayed alot. Larry did pray alot, because it's all he had to do, but he also closed his eyes and listened because he couldn't see much anyway. Larry told him he did indeed pray alot and the man asked him if he was at peace with his God.

They started a conversation about God and I picked up that the old man thought Larry was Muslim. He asked questions about 'your God', and was surprised when Larry told him that his God was the same God the man believed in. It was a strange conversation to have considering he'd had a similar very random one with the a woman in a different ward a few weeks earlier.

He was taken by the orderly to get a scan in radiology soon after. Usually I'd follow them down, but I didn't that day. I sat in the room and waited. I'd watch the hallway for them. They walked by the room and doubled back 30 minutes later. The orderly parked Larry at the end of the bed and Larry looked at me and smiled.

They talk about people taking a turn for the worse.
That's when it happened.
Right after that smile.

I watched as his eyes rolled back into his head as he went flat. I quickly stood up and moved his head back into an upright position and he vomited everywhere. I held his vomit in my hands, as if it was something he might need later, and yelled at the nurses to help. I whispered into his ear to not do this to me when he vomited again all over the nurse in front of him.

It was all very quick and as quick as that was, he came out of it and remembered nothing. He told me that all he remembered was being pushed back into the room and seeing me looking back at him.

I should have known then because all the Doctors and Nurses that were in there were too many to think everything was alright. His dialysis nurses ran up from the renal house and I heard them whispering behind the curtains about sending him to Wellington. I know that when they mention Wellington, things aren't that great.

I rang my Mum and told her that things weren't looking too great and she came up to the hospital as soon as she could.

That's when they admitted him to the ICU. The last place he'd ever be in a hospital again.

What made me think of this today was, as I was blow drying my hair this morning getting ready for church I pictured my Mum sitting in the pew waiting for us all, as she does every Sunday. As a teenager, even stronger than my fear of snakes, I had a fear of losing the people I loved. When Aunty Hop died it was my first real experience with death. I was ok after that because I still had Aunty Marva, my Mum and Larry. When Aunty Marva died, a piece of my heart broke because she was my Mum. When Larry died I think my spirit broke, out of all of them, he was the one that tugged at my emotions the most and now there is only my Mum and I really do hope she lives forever because just thinking about it makes me upset and I missed church today because all these feelings came back to haunt me on a cold sabbath morning.

How did I get to a point of dredging up these sad memories?
I had a star studded dream last night.
I was in Richie McCaws physics class and he was trying to cheat by looking at my answers for an in class test. While walking home from school, Britney Spears picked me up in a white and yellow Cadillac and took me to an aerodrome where I was going to take a helicopter flight over the Bay with Kylie Minogue, but the pilot got anxiety and cancelled the flight. The pilot was Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson and when I woke up I thought ... 3 of my 4 rocks are gone.

Sometimes you can't control what your mind wants to do with information.

1 comment:

Melissa said...

This all makes sense. Your thought process and everything. Im sorry Camille. I wish you didn't loose Larry as your companion here on earth. It's not fair.