Monday, December 31, 2012

2012.


Everything has gone according to the plan that was set out for us and I'm coming to terms with that. I have no regrets on the last day of 2012, just a void that will refill itself in time.

I've been home all day watching Ghost Hunters and doing laundry and I'll be home all night seeing the new year in with Hubba and Shai. Another midnight kiss I'll miss from you.

My new years resolution is to look forward. After a rough week last week I've learned that there's no healing in crying about it. There's no healing in feeling that pain over and over again. The bible says to "Look forward" and that's what I'll do in 2013 .. put my shoulder to the wheel and push along.

Sunday, December 30, 2012

Hubba

Enjoying the oranges from our back tree.
We miss you. Every day.

Saturday, December 29, 2012

Day 35

Need a time machine.
ASAP.

Friday, December 28, 2012

Day 34

Rough day yesterday without you.
Easily one of the worst in a few weeks and it was all because of The Hobbit.
A planned trip to the movies turned out to be a nightmare because the last place we were (Tuesday before you died) was the movies.
I couldn't do it.
I feel the same way about Te Mata Peak and the hospital.
Everytime I see the hospital I cringe and ask myself why they couldn't do more, but I know it was your time and I know you were willing and ready.
The attitude is all from missing you.
And I do.
Very much.

I have very few photos of you and I together because I'm always behind the camera.
Here's one for the people who asked ;)

Thursday, December 27, 2012

Day 33

It's one of those days today where I wish everything were different and you were here. Those days where you hate waking up to a photo no matter how real it looks.

Bar your Jean Paul Gaultier scent, your smell has dissapeared and I hate that.

I miss you .. most right now.

Tuesday, December 25, 2012

Part 2

Ipod photos.
Lastnight Furness and I were the only ones up waiting for the maori bread to cook. Turned out the maori bread wasn't for us, it was for Mums work. Decided that with our spare time, we'd do some gag gifts for our 3 most favourite people.

Jeston got a can of soup and salad dressing, from Mums pantry, wrapped in a mutton cloth signed from Shai.

Shai got Mums doorbell chime and some cotton balls. Signed from Uncle Jeston.

Tyler got Pop Gregs extention cord wrapped in Mums table runner. Signed from Uncle Jeston.

The things two sisters do when they're bored.
We visited you today to drop off Larrels christmas present for you. A koru made out of sea shells.
We'll have a stone up for you in March. Our birthday months.


First Christmas without you Part 1

It was decided yesterday that we'd have Christmas dinner instead of the planned 10am brunch, which changed to the 2pm afternoon lunch. Because the Parentals had to work and Joel was on an afternoon flight from Auckland, we waited till 4pm.
Hubba and Ngawi at the beach fishing last week.

Waimea & Ngawi

The girls and Ngawi.
You, Ma and Mum were the only ones Ngawi was looking forward to seeing!

Hubba, Jeston and Ngawi.

Christmas in summer calls for salads.
Ma made her famous seafood salad.

I made Ceviche.

Mrs. Armstrong did a potato salad ...

.. Broccoli Salad and Ham that tasted nothing like her crab curry she made us a few years ago and we never forgave her for.

Platters from Michelle.

Fruit platter.

Tash's everything salad.

Cheese board.

Porterhouse steak on the BBQ.

Dry. Hot and gross. You'd love it.

The kids got yet another trampoline for Christmas.

Rome.

I missed you today, but there was enough family around to not let it get to me.
I miss you most when no one is around and all I can do is remember how much I miss you.
I wonder if they celebrate or observe Christmas in the Spirit World?
If not, I hope they at least have the internet so you can log on and read.
In our hearts today.

To be continued ...

Monday, December 24, 2012

Day 30

You've been gone for one month. It's raining after a stifling hot week. It resembles how I feel today. I miss you and will miss your midnight Christmas kiss.

I wish you were here, even if it's just for a minute at midnight tonight.

Saturday, December 22, 2012

Day 28

4 weeks.
In 2 days it will be one month.
You'd think it would seem like yesterday considering how I felt the first week. They say time heals all wounds. My time is my family and they've aided in healing these wounds. Jeston moved home with his family. Olly gets home today after his 6 week stint in WA (he was unable to come back for your funeral), and Mrs. Armstrong (my only sister) arrives today from Auckland. Just you and Reid missing, but it's ok.

I have 12 years of great memories that I keep going back to.
I have no regrets.

Combine time, family, memories and no regrets ... you get a content wife who just misses you.

Friday, December 21, 2012

Christine.

Re: This Post.

The first time Larry was admitted into hospital last month, he found himself in the Cardio ward for suspected heart issues. 3am on Thursday morning he was laying in bed and felt someone watching him. He turned to see a little old lady standing at the foot of his bed looking back at him. Before he could say hello she told him she knew he was suffering, but that God loved him. She told him that God doesn't give us these sufferings to punish, but to give us experience to better ourselves where he responded with "like how a carver of Jade polishes the stone for that extra shine". She smiled at him, knowing he understood, and nodded.

He tried to ask why she was in hospital and she held up her hand to stop him from talking (that gesture never worked when I tried to do it), and told him she was there to talk about him. She said everything was going to be ok, God was aware of his suffering and was well pleased.

They had a 30 minute conversation about life and Christ. She said her name was Christine and she loved that name because it had the word Christ in it. Abruptly, she told him she had to go and left.

That was November 15th.
On his last night when I asked him how he was, he told me he was exhausted. "I'm just so wasted" he said and as selfish as I could have been praying to hold on to him, I simply asked that night for him to be comforted and not to make him well.

Quite often, Larry prayed for the release from all of this he so sought.
He got it 9 days after Christines visit.

Hospital records told us a "Christine" passed on the 13th of November.
You work it out.

Thursday, December 20, 2012

School.

24 weeks.
26 papers.

School finished yesterday and I received my final grade today.
I wish you were here to share the relief that is the passing grade with honors on all 26 papers. I would never have got through them all if it weren't for you sitting here and helping me late into the night despite that you were tired from dialysis.

The pass just doesn't bring me the elation I should be feeling, because you are not here.
I hope you are proud.

Day 26

We should have been in Auckland.
We should have been in the hotel with your Mom and Christina close by having spent their first 12 hours in New Zealand.
We should have been asleep preparing for a 5 hour drive back to Hawkes Bay.

We should have been.

I miss you more than anything. Second to that is being without the baby.
Coming home at night after spending the day with family is the worst.
The baby falling asleep seconds that.
You should have been here.

Moe mai ra taku aroha.

Tuesday, December 18, 2012

Day 24

I took the time today and sat down at your computer to go through files. I'm glad you had everything in order despite the fact you couldn't see very well to be organized.

I'm at a loss at what to do with everything on here. I opened up LW Layout and clicked on the most recent file. I remembered you showing me the intro you did for future videos you'd make. I know my way around layout enough to F9 for render and save as an image file. No idea how to save it as a video.

I wish I had more of an interest in LW to take over. I still could, but the sound of your voice right now would bring back tears I've kept at bay for 20 days.

Monday, December 17, 2012

Day 23

It's dry here. Shades of green have dissapeared.
It's hot. It's sunny. Weather you were waiting for since Fall began in April.
Aunty Gabriel told me that the worst is yet to come and 23 days into this, I'm beginning to feel it.
When I drive somewhere and no one is saying anything to eachother in the car.
I think of you.
Sitting alone outside when the kids have all run off somewhere to play.
I think of you.
When I'm by myself.
I think of you.
Every thought leads back to you. I can't even watch TV because someone is dying on a TV program and it brings everything back to me. I'm happy that you are happy, but I'm sad because you are not here being happy.

Looking through photos and videos I came across this one of you and Hubba, when she was 7 months.

Sunday, December 16, 2012

Day 22

We visited you today.
We miss you everyday.
Not looking forward to Christmas without you.

Friday, December 14, 2012

Day 20

We lit a lantern for you a week or so ago. It was an epic fail and almost caught a field of dry grass on fire were it not for Fireman Peter T, who came to the rescue.

It's the thought that counts, but never buy lanterns for $2 and think they'll work like the $15 ones.

The Henry's bought cupcakes. They're fab and the cupcakes were too.

Tyler had her Manu Poi assessment on the 3rd and passed with a B+. Shai has grown taller than her older sister, which is embarrassing on Tylers part considering Shai is only 13 and still growing.

Ti Rakau movements.

I always look for you in sunsets.

Took Hubba to the beach.

She enjoyed the sand with Aunty Tash.

Did not like the breaking waves.

.. and threw a tantrum over your name when I pointed to your name saying "Clarry" and you were not there.

The one thing that is keeping me sane and getting me through my grief is the last conversation we had in the ICU before I walked out and came home. I've been reading experiences about families final moments with loved ones and all the regrets and remorse they had not telling their loved one how much they cared. It builds me up knowing that the last thing I said to you before I told you I love you, was that I thought you were so very brave. I love that. I can live the rest of my life knowing that the last conversation we had was profound enough to make it easier for me to eventually overcome that grief and I'm glad I said it and glad you were aware to hear and appreciate it.

We've been home for a week now. The place is alive with family and Hubba sleeps on your side of the bed as if the spot was reserved for her. She now thinks every graveyard is "Clarry".

We miss you.
Everyday and always, but we are doing ok without you.

Just the night times are hard when she goes to sleep and infomercials come on and there is nothing else to do but think of you.

Monday, December 10, 2012

Day 16

I wish you were here to enjoy our baby too. She fills the void some, but you'd complete the fill if you were here.

I never thought aching could be real.
It very much so is.
She helps.

Friday, December 7, 2012

Prayer.

When sore trials came upon you,
Did you think to pray?
When your heart was bowed with sorrow
Balm of Gilead did you borrow?
At the gates of day.


Oh, how praying rests the weary!
Prayer will change the night to day.
So, when life gets dark and dreary,
Don't forget to pray.


It's quite possible to find solace on your knees, even when there are no M&Ms all over the floor.

School. Day 13

9 papers passed.
4 papers not yet marked.
2 papers left.

I'll be glad when it's all over next week, but I could use your brain right now.
It feels like a waste now I'm not going into nursing, but it's good to have options.

Slept at home with the baby last night. She slept on your side of the bed and I could hear her giggling during the night. Were you keeping her up? It would explain her late wake up this morning. She is sad that you are not here anymore, but I like that she understands that you are not here anymore. You always said she was clever.

We miss you.
We all miss you.

Thursday, December 6, 2012

Day 12 ...

I keep thinking that if I go back to places we've been before, I'll find you there. Ventura, CA. Acton, CA. Las Vegas, NV. Burbank, CA. A LWUG Meeting. Home.

I haven't slept at home again.

I got your death certificate in the mail today, which has made things more real.

I'm just waiting for you now to come and get me.

Tuesday, December 4, 2012

Day 10

I slept at home last night for the first time since.
It was done with the TV on Discovery channel all night and the lamp on dim, but it's an achievement.
I over estimated sleeping with a box of tissues. I didn't need them at all.
I'm home. It needed to be done to complete the fact that you are gone.

I miss you every day. Some moments worse than others, but I can do this, without you, knowing its temporary.

By the way, it's Shark Week on Discovery.

Sunday, December 2, 2012

Day 8 ...

I hope you can see how many lives you touched in 3 short years.
Still not home.
Jeston and his family move home on Wednesday. They'll move in to fill the void you left and I'm ok with that. Maybe that's when I'll go home.

Our baby doesn't quite know what to make of your absence. She ran down the hallway and into your room the other day hoping to find you. She kissed the dirt at the graveyard saying "Clarry gone".

I miss you.
My focus each day is getting through it without you.

Saturday, December 1, 2012

One week makes one weak.

It's been a week. It's getting easier despite people telling me the hardest part is yet to come. Maybe the hardest part is when I actually come home to sleep. I haven't done that yet, but with aids, sleep has gotten better. Tyler and Shai never leave my side. One is always with me, but this will change next week when Shai goes back to school after taking the week off.

A week ago my heart broke. I don't cry anymore. My eyes only water when I think about how I felt when I first discovered you had gone.

My plan?
Not nursing.
We had talked about this and you thought it was a good idea. I was only doing it for you, but thinking about it this week, I don't think I'll be able to be the person to tell family members that their loved one has passed when I know I'm going to carry that feeling around with me for the rest of my life. Our passion was always Art, and that's the road I'll take after the last lot of school papers.

Jasiah fell off the balcony edge and cracked his head open on Tuesday.

I miss you, more than anything, but I know now that the reason we came home to New Zealand was because my support system was here and they're the ones to help me through the rest of my Earth life without you.

Friday, November 30, 2012

Day 6 ...

video

Day 6 ...

I haven't slept at home yet.
I can't muster up the strength to be there without you.


Thursday, November 29, 2012

Day 5 ...

I keep looking for you everywhere .. anywhere.
I listen to hear whispers from you in the wind.
I slept a little better lastnight. (Thanks Pony & Emma for the laughs)
I'd do it better if it wasn't without you.

Wednesday, November 28, 2012

Day 4 without you ...

Sleep has failed me since Saturday.
Can't quite comprehend it all.
Boggled trying to readjust to life without you.

Monday, November 26, 2012

The last 3 days.

When Catherine of Aragon died, Anne Boleyn and King Henry VIII, it was said, wore yellow to her funeral. Up until 1480, yellow was the color of mourning in Spain. It is currently still the color of mourning in Egypt and in general, it is a color of remembrance.

The last 3 days have been the hardest of my life. I've cried, I've laughed, I've questioned my religion, I've felt betrayed, I've cried a little more and the constant literal ache in my heart is not making anything easier.

We buried Larry today. It would be interesting for everyone to know how insensitive he was when it came to death. He didn't want a big sad funeral. He didn't want an expensive coffin. He didn't want people to look at him laying in state and he really didn't want a traditional Maori farewell. He wanted to be cremated and out of that list of things, that was the one thing I couldn't do.

We closed his coffin when he left the undertakers on Saturday morning. He looked handsome in his white temple attire and he looked happy and I loved that. Our nieces Tyler, Shai and my sister Michelle were fortunate enough to see him before we closed the lid. Last night our bishop had to slip something into his pocket and I sneaked one last look with our bishop and my two uncles present.

On Friday night when I left him in ICU I asked him not to go anywhere. He looked at me confused and asked where I thought he was going. I reiterated for him not to go anywhere, to be there when I came back the next day, which would have been at 12pm. I told him I thought he was the bravest person I knew. I told him I loved him and that I would see him tomorrow. When I got home that night I called every hour to check on him and everything seemed ok. A little after 4am I received a phone call that he wasn't doing too well and I should head into the hospital. All the way there I begged please please don't take him from me.

He passed shortly after the phone call and it happened as if he were sleeping. He just slipped away. His heart could not take the work of haemo dialysis and ultimately stopped.

I will miss him. I haven't slept at home yet and when I do come home (because there is internet here and not at my parents place 5 houses away), its painful because everything of his is here. His shoes that he'd never put in the shoe basket after I asked him ten times. His trash on the floor in front of the TV from eating candy his Mom sent last week. His clothes on the floor after a shower. His scent.

I'm a widow at 33.
He made me promise to be one for the rest of my life and he is well worth the wait and that's enough for me to keep that promise. He is mine for forever. We're Twilight without the urge for blood.

There have been so many comments and emails coming in and I'll eventually get around to reading and responding to them all. I'm just at a "What do I do now" point and I need to regain my bearings.

Enjoy the photos of the last few days. They show a perfect send off for a man so loved.
Sunday morning. 

He lay at my parents house, which is bigger. My mums idea to put the blanket on the casket we got her from Mexico.

Yellow rose.

My love.

Flowers from my grandmothers garden.

Our Hubba tried and tried to open the casket to get to her "Clarry". She still doesn't understand, but she'll never forget him.







Tyler, who gave a eulogy today, saying her final goodbyes to her Uncle.

Heading to the chapel.

At the cemetery.

Lowering the casket.

All the kids watching.
I love our kids .. almost in unison they said, "What are you doing to Uncle Larry". My niece Larell was worried because we told her he was up in heaven and she questioned why he was going down if heaven is up.

We released yellow balloons. Hope he got them.

Family refilling his grave.

Jeston and Naz.

Finger foods .. it's what he wanted despite it was 'chimp food'.

My cousin Leonie surprised us all by flying out from Kalgoorlie. I love that she did it. Sided with my other cousin Emma, we complete eachother when together.

We went back later and took all the flowers to his grave.

I will miss him so much, but I know he wants me to hold my head up work through this grief.