Friday, August 9, 2019

Week 32 of 2019

Mickey Mouse and his friends took me back to a life in California with my Love. It took me away from reality for an hour and 40 minutes and made me envy that Hub's doesn't know the reality of what's going on around her. I ended up dragging my Mum along with me to The Waikato and Nessa-Nu. They both came willingly. I'd travel with them anywhere. They're both comforting in their own way and make any trip complete.

It was a quick trip there and back. We left Wednesday morning and we were home by Thursday evening. Made a stop in Taupo on the way through.




Hard to believe she's going to be 9 next month.

We had front row tickets. Ness had a VIP ticket that was $44 less than the front row tickets. She sat RIGHT behind us. The people right up in the nose bleeder seats had the best seat in the house.

I've been educated. Don't get front row or VIP seats.

Life is picking up pace.
19 more Wednesdays til Christmas.
Work is my solace even though when I'm at work it's far from consolation, but is a good temporary relief from home.

I want to buy a comfortable arm chair so I can come home from work, sit down and read a good book before bedtime.

I want a simple life without distractions.
We create out own struggles.
I want to find joy in finding an armchair and not fixating on the current situation of others.

Challenge to myself before the end of the month.
Find an armchair.

Sunday, July 28, 2019

Pure picturesque in NZ

The Farmers bought their dream home in the middle-of-nowehere-Wairarapa. Gapped it from The Bay and headed down to see the homestead that my brother has talked up since September last year and he didn't do the place justice. They call it Bushgrove. It's amazeballs. It's so middle-of-nowhere and charming that I want to move there too.

They move in the next few months.



































For real though ... it's A M A Z I N G with a capital ZING.

It may very well be my new go-to haven.
That would be dependent on my brothers mood, but with a place like Bushgrove he should be in his element and them some.

Saturday, July 20, 2019

Scribbles.

Easily the worst holidays ever this year. I spent two weeks nursing broken hearts and bitter egos. I am looking forward to getting back into the normalcy of work and there are dramas there that will give you the heebie jeebies. Those dramas have been out done by the new dynamics of a divided family.

At the very least we get to leave town for a few days next month to watch Mickey Mouse and his friends parade around on the ice. I am very much so looking forward to that .. more the getting out of town part.

Over the last few weeks I've prayed very little, but my heart had a lot to say. Last night I took the time to think everything through before I closed my day with a prayer. As I began my liaison with the good Lord, images in my head turned to a paper conveyor belt with scribbles/doodles all over it. It moved quickly and it was distracting. It was quite amazing. It continued at full speed through-out the entirety of my prayer and when I came to a close and opened my eyes, it left my head.

Shades of Joseph Smith trying to pray that first time in the grove came to my mind, but it wasn't that at all. It was the unloading of every situation going on in my family right now that needs sorting. I lay in bed for a few minutes and thought ... I'm not the one to fix any of it no matter how much I think I am.

You can't fix something that's wrong with someone else because in two weeks I've tried and it left me with a conveyor belt of scribbles in my head.

That is currently my reality and it's constant and it's everywhere and it hurts.

Thursday, July 11, 2019

Tuesday, July 9, 2019

To new innings.

I was 7 when my parents first divorced. I can say 7 because I know that when I turned 8 my Dad sat in my baptism with a motorbike helmet in his lap and I hadn't seen him for a while prior. That was the only time I remember him being at my baptism. I was too little to understand the lead up to their divorce, but I remember sitting in the car between them wondering why she was crying and why he was yelling. That kind of stuff doesn’t register in a child’s head that something epic is happening that will change the rest of everyone’s lives forever. At least for five of us who were sitting in the car that night.

Life at 7 was simple because the understanding of all that life was and had to offer was put on the back burner for Gem and the Holograms and play.

It became normal that Mum and Dad weren’t living in the same house anymore. I was not aware of the emotions my parents went through to get to that point because I was too little to have that kind of worry. Overtime my relationship with my Dad became different and watching my Mum raise us gave me an admiration for a woman who was now alone with a tribe of young kids.

She found herself again and when an athlete she had a lot in common with came her way, that  relationship became our new normal. Papa Greg became the father figure we lacked, especially so for my sister and I.

Today my parents divorced.

It’s a whole new bag of doritos when you can fully understand what’s going on now and every emotion my Parents feel pangs on my heart strings too. I don’t know if the choice was right, but it was wanted and I respect that.

Once again our lives will change in an epic way, the saddest part is that our kids have to live through what we didn’t understand back in the 80s that night in the car with my parents. 

This one is different.
This one literally hurts.

I drove my Mum to the court house today where they signed their marriage away. I dry heaved all the way home because our new normal began today.

I am sad.
For my Mum.
For my Hubs.
For the change in our lives that I never expected.
😭

Tuesday, June 18, 2019

June

This month has probably been the worst month of 2019, mentally .. and there have been some son-of-a-bitch months this year. This is obvious in the lack of happy family blog posts thus far. It’s been up and down. Changes in the dynamics of a family have been nuclear this half of the year. I'm still weary of who I trust right now, but I love harder than I think and that's a struggle most days.

Work politics make me hate the work place, but it gives me something to do daily.

I am tired.
Tired of work so I'm glad that we're in the last 2 weeks of the term. Tired of the politics there and co-workers who take advantage and make things harder for the rest of us there who are there to do our jobs.

Tired of drama.

Tired of Hubba's school and their approach to anti-bullying.

Tired of a ward that has been sitting on the launch-pad since three Bishops ago.
Tired of the cliques in the ward.
Tired of the indirect judgement.

President Nelson, in a General Conference talk, spoke of the sister in his ward when he was Bishop who struggled with church participation because of the people in it. The cliques. The judgementals. The part-timers. The non-singers. She was ready to quit when he challenged her one day. Her challenge was that when she got to church on Sunday, head straight to the kitchen and fill up a spoon with water and walk around the chapel twice without spilling any water. So she did. He asked her later during church hours if she saw any of the people she complained about, to which she responded, "I was too busy trying not to drop any water from the spoon".

This is why I go to church.
For the water in the spoon.

Two things kept me happy this weekend.
Thing 1 and Thing 2.